met up with budds finally, it is always nice to see them again, we still laugh at silly things together, we still eat the same food at Fish & Co, and we still walk aimlessly on the street, so simple and carefree.. love having them around :)



-- cookies from mei and hui :)

the pineapple tarts are made by hui's mum while the cookies on top are made by mei. it's my first time trying her cookies, i think it's good! cant wait to try the super big one, i think it looks like subway's cookie..

look forward to meet up with you all again before wei leaves for Adelaide and mei back to Melbourne..

on a happier note, the ethics prof asked for my opinion in class today and i think i made some sense in what i commented - sense of achievement :)

i think the prof is trying to help me after i told him about my difficulties last week, really thankful for that :)

two more weeks to CNY, thinking if i should bring W to grandma's place again this year..

it has been almost half a year since my last entry; changed the skin for a new year, may it be a better one!

firstly, WELCOME BACK! you know who you are!
happy you are finally back although not for long, i've so much to tell you and i want to hear you share too :))

anyway, had quite an unpleasant afternoon during Ethics class today, prof's question got me dumbfounded despite all my preparations before class. actually i do find Ethics rather interesting in spite of the heavy readings, but im just very bad when it comes to critiquing some philosophical theories, and establishing my standpoint and counteracting any possible argument. i think im not the kind who likes to question why, or maybe im just too lazy to think. i wonder how the brain of most others in my school works, in Ethics and in my other classes, how they think what they are thinking. school makes me feel stupid. just feel it makes me a less confident and quieter person. i miss the confidence i had and the joy of learning i found in poly. sometimes it makes me wonder if i had proceeded on to work after poly instead of going S**, would i have become a better and happier person? they make you feel if you dont speak up, you cant survive, and that's exactly my weakness. i can handle the stress most of the time, it's only times like today when i start feeling whatever remains of my confidence is draining away, that i cant contain my emotions that well. tried very hard but uncontrollably teared a little on the train back. when i got home, i poured like mad, i think i scared mum. it's quite embarrassing i still come home crying at this age of mine, but it's the feeling of being home, and knowing i can be who i really am that makes me let go of everything.

W says he loves me regardless of how well i perform in school or how well i can talk to people, it makes me feel so much better. even sis, who is usually not good at cheering people up, offered me her chips just now saying today is an exception. they have seen me at my worst - dad, mum, sis and W, they are always the ones to take my bad temper, my complaints and my grumbles.

not forgetting cousin, dd, hui and mei; although they have not seen me at my worst, i hope not, it's the kind of understanding that i appreciate; understanding what kind of person i really am, and supporting and accepting me with no judgments. compared to the problems and unhappiness that other people in the world out there may be facing, mine is not worth mentioning, but at least at my lowest, i have them. thank YOU.

three and a half years, i made it past one and a half!

havent updated my blog for quite awhile..

sent mei off at the airport last friday, she's going melbourne to further her studies.. we've been talking about this since the end of poly, and in the blink of an eye, she's really gone.. seeing her pass through those gates with her big hand luggage, tears naturally came..

and yesterday as i was sending out the smses to plan a celebration for qian ling's 21st, i scrolled all the way to "mei" on my contacts list and remembered we'll be short of one for at least the next two years.. maybe we can do a videoconferencing! haha im missing you already!

if foong really leaves next, then there will be no more occasional meetups for dinner.. really dread it..

this is my sixth week back in Mizuho, the japanese bank where i worked at last february.. my contract has just been extended by another three weeks so i'll be working till end july.. at least i'll have two weeks of break before school starts.. and the same routine goes all over again..

seems like there're many things undone, sometimes just feels like i've been missing out a lot because of school..

went back SP with sok kee to borrow a textbook for summer term cos we'll only be needing it for a month, luckily sok kee knows a junior whose card we can borrow..

the familiarity and sense of belonging filled me with joy and happy memories of schooldays and friends.. the hilltop, the malay stall, the corners in the library where we used to sit in between classes, stomachs growling in lectures, and many many more.. studying was an enjoyable thing in poly cos of my wonderful friends, i miss poly days, i miss my friends..

THANK YOU mei, foong, su, gris, wei and qian ling!!!!!

my dear friends celebrated my birthday for me at Fish and Co The Glass House at Parkmall, thanks for remembering that i only like fish, the dinner was really yummy!

last night there were so many birthday boys and girls there, every few minutes there would be a table of people singing birthday song for their friend.. and as i was looking at the birthday boy at the table beside ours made stand on the chair by the Fish and Co staff; he had to hold a fire sparkle while everyone else sang birthday song for him.. then gris suddenly asked if i envied the birthday boys and girls who had birthday cakes, i shook my head because i thought it's so malu up there in the limelight.. and foong started saying luckily i wore pants.. haha who knew i was next!! but it unexpectedly didnt felt malu at all standing on that chair, or perhaps cos it was dark so nobody could see my blush haha, but i was really happy and touched when my friends and the Fish and Co staff sang the birthday song for me, it was really loud cos there was another birthday boy standing with me too.. thanks huh, it's really unforgettable! hahahaha..

thanks for presents too! sorry for making you all spend so much.. really appreciate every little thought from each and every one of you! :)

THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!! :))

it's school holiday!

im praying hard that i will pass my management science :X

having one week of break now before my one-month summer term starts in may.. then hopefully our tioman trip will come true, whee~ and that i can find a vacation job too..
looking forward to see budds later :)

and im 21!
actually there isnt much difference when the day actually comes.. but thanks to everyone who remembered, smses or facebook messages, thank you thank you :)

im grateful for all the things dear did for me too.. the mini lenovo, the surprise email, the handmade card, and the surprise celebration at his mum's place..












and here is sok kee, vivian and me at marche last saturday:

things havent been as smooth-going as i wished for.. im starting to regret having brought him over to grandma's place.. he asked if i was ready, i thought i was too.. but i didnt expect this much to come..

grandma and aunties have been asking dad and mum to talk things out with me because they feel he's too old for me and that things will definitely not work out.. they say by the time he retires, i'll still be working and i'll have to support the family alone.. they feel im too young and i havent seen enough.. they say i've never made them worried since i was a kid and yet im doing this now..

some of their concerns were what held me back that time and i've really thought through them.. they feel i dont know what im doing..

mum's constant questionning didnt help at all.. she asked what do i see in him.. it's hard to put this into words.. i asked mum what she sees in dad too but she couldnt quite answer.. she has been making her own assumptions and jumping to conclusions about him which really make me quite defensive sometimes.. when i try to reason things out with her, she says i've changed.. when i keep quiet, she says she must be right that's why i have nothing to say.. i just feel tired having to explain the same thing over and over again to her when it makes no difference at all..

grandma asked me to slowly drift apart from him so that i could put an easier end to this.. seems like im a machine that can be switched on and off just like that..

till now, im grateful for how dad is handling this matter, at least he's the only one who is giving me my breathing space at home.. when i first told him im seeing someone who is twelve years older than me, i asked him if it's ok.. he nodded and said it's up to me and that he just wants me to commit as much in my studies too.. im sorry for the pressure that grandma and aunties have indirectly given him..

i know their reactions are natural and that all of them want the best for me.. im thankful there're so many people who love me and care about me.. but it certainly doesnt feel good being told i disappointed everyone..

sometimes i wanted so much to share with someone the little things he did for me and how happy i was.. sometimes i needed someone to say it's ok and to hold on.. but i realised the sources of support that i used to have are no longer there anymore..

thank you friends who understand and never fail to support me, i really appreciate it :)